Monday, November 11, 2013

So Hard

to believe that this little love has blessed our lives for 13 years, and she celebrated her 14th birthday here recently.
Kiana loved the hat that I knit for her, and she ESPECIALLY loved the guitar that we got her for her birthday.  In one week she had already gone through the teaching program that came with it and now we are searching for the next best teaching program for my diligent little learner.
This precious daughter has taught me much and I have loved seeing the person that the LORD has created in her.  She is strong, yet loving, creative and funny.  We have walked through hard roads of adjustment and come out stronger on the other side because we were worth the fight.  This child was the first who opened the door of adoption to us, and I have never regretted one step of the journey.  From a scared little one year old who sucked on a rag, to a loving, secure 14 year old; each year with her has been a gift to me - yes, HER VERY LIFE, had been God’s gift to me.  
My Uncle Charles was always very perceptive, and smart.  He knew it was hard on us and hard on the children when they first came home.  He watched each one of them as they struggled and adjusted to the “new” - a family and trusting.   He watched at they grew from scared, sick little children into healthy, curious and happy children.  He LOVED seeing them become happy and secure, and he would say with a smile, “That’s what a family’s love does.”  He is now with the LORD, and I miss him getting to see Kiana as she continue to grow into a young woman.  In fact, Clive came home not long after my Uncle Charles went home to the LORD.  Clive is named after him - Clive Charles Hassoldt.  
We aren’t a “perfect” family, and I wish I “did it better” so often.  Many things have come our way that are REALLY hard, but Uncle Charles’ words still ring in my ear.  There is healing in family.

The hard days seem to out number the good sometimes, but may be that is just what I’m choosing to see.  May be I’m missing the moments when they are reading to each other, or telling each other a story, or putting a bandaid on a little one’s imagined boo-boo.  May be I am seeing the “hard” to much and missing when they are feeding the animals together and telling jokes to each other, or playing hide and seek and giving grace to the child who can’t really count past 10, over and over.  

May be the “hard” days clouds my vision and I miss a "closed off" child open up to me and give me hugs and kisses, because she is TRYING to learn to love and trust.   Or did I miss the sister who made fish pictures for her sad brother who loves “Nemo” the fish? Did I see the younger sister braiding her older sister’s hair?  Do I see the older children serving the younger ones each day?  

Yea, I see it, but I am not being thankful enough for them.  I am not SAVORING  those times enough.  It’s like I’m holding my breath waiting for the next “thing”.  
What I need to be doing is breathing in these daily gifts.  Stop, look, absorb and breathe.  
What does this have to do with a cute little 14 year old?
God used her precious life to bring a gift to our family.  The gift of children, not birthed by my body, but certainly born in my heart. 


  1. Oh, I so understand your thoughts here! We're not a perfect family either and sometimes I don't see the progress the children are making until someone points it out. Then it's like, "Oh yeah! They aren't the same kids that walked through our front door six years ago." Love your uncles observations too. We need more like him around to remind us that miracles are happening -- even when we're too busy to notice.

  2. Precious daughter, and precious post!!!
    Speaks truth that I need to hear, as we have been in the midst of so many crises and "red alert" days in the past 6 that I don't even know how to relax and seek all the blessings instead of expecting the impending crisis!
    Thanks for writing so beautifully:)
    Blessings to your sweet daughter, my first came home 13 years ago and is 14 1/2 now, and has a beautiful smile like your sweetie!

  3. Shoni, I feel like we missed so much by not knowing your family all these years. When I wonder if JoLynn can adopt two children at once, I think of you and Steve. I know that we can do this. I am amazed at the love that Jim and I already feel for the children. I know it's real because we fell in love with your children so easily. You are one blessed momma!


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