Tuesday, December 13, 2011

From shonni

I have not figured out a way around the block here in Ch. so I have not been able to post on my blog.  However, that is really only half the reason for not personally writing anything. Many of you have probably “figured” out from Steve and Caresse’s little notes that things have been very hard here.  I honestly have had no words for what we all are going through. Some where along the way, my understanding and love for these little people has been murked up in the hard emotions and their extreme misbehavior.  Believe me when I say that right now, love IS A CHOICE for us.  If I did not have faith in the LORD’s good plans for our us, I am not sure how we would have gone on.   I still really don’t know what to say to you all except to share the thoughts of my heart ... the anchor that has help me the last few weeks.  The Lord reminded me the 1st few days that He loved us first, before we loved Him and that He loved us while we were still in our “ugliness” - our sin and bad attitudes.  Boy, do these two have some “ugliness” and bad attitudes that are hard to love “past”.  N. has truly done a very good job of trying to push us away and make us “hate” her.  C mimics her bad stuff and then adds his own little battles to the field.  Kalyn and I have slept very little, and are truly exhausted emotionally.  
I have also been remembered the words that He spoke to me earlier this Autumn...to be faithful in the work that He has for us to do.  “In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them.  To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.” Ps. 22:4-5.  My parents have certainly been an examples of “the fathers” who trusted the LORD, and now Steve and I have the chance to yet again, show, in action, our trust in God.  How many times I have prayed and asked the LORD to teach me His paths, His ways...”Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths.  Lead me in Your trust and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day long.” Ps. 25-4-5  Is He surely not answering that prayer and teaching me to love as He loves me?
Other comfort has come from these verses “My eyes are ever toward the LORD, for He will pluck my feet out of the net.  Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.  The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses.  Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.”  Ps. 25”15-18.  
And the LORD has reminded me of my “field” right now...”The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.  each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.  And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.  As it is written, ‘He has distributed freely He has given to the poor, His righteousness endures forever.’ He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness.  You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God.  For the ministry of this service is not only supplying the needs of the saints but is also overflowing in many thanksgivings to God.”  2 Cor. 9:6-12
My eyes turn to the LORD right now, often with no words to even speak.  We must keep our eyes on Him and on His truth.  He has led us to this ministry - to parent these children.  My emotions don’t want to...my heart is seeking Him for the strength...it will not be by my might or for my praise, but for His glory and His praise.  
Today, we got up and breathed.  Last night the oldest threw a fit of epic proportions in the lobby that was out of control.  I wont go into to details, but she has been under “house arrest" today.  I just can’t trust what she will do in public.  Please pray us home sweet friends.  And thank you for your amazing support, help, encouragement and prayers through this journey.  
THE LORD’S TRUTH SHINES HERE...THE LORD LOVES THE FATHERLESS, and one day THEY will know that!!!

26 comments:

  1. God Bless you and Kaylin, dear friend. I am so sorry that N struggles so much. You post was beautiful and through HIM you can do this. You have been called to serve HIM in this capacity and I have no doubt that you and Steve can do this.

    In time you will love this child/ children. He will not let you down but will walk every step of the way with you.

    Blessings on your journey home!

    I love all the verses you quoted- he give us the tools and instructions that we need to do the tasks that are so much bigger than us!
    Praise HIM!
    And HUGS to you!

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  2. You don't know our family but we have been following your blog for a while now. We too have been called to the journey and ministry of adoption. Please know you have a family praying for you in VA. I have looked this week for new posts in the progress, struggle and joys of you meeting your new children as well as bringing them home. I am encouraged to pray for this great adjustment your walking through, and I'm prompted to think through what the Lord may be placing before us. We have been approached by our social worker with regards to a sibling group of three. Their ages are older than what we ever have felt comfortable in considering. We are going to view their file in the next few weeks. As we pray through this consideration and how the dynamics may work, I can share that at the beginning, three months ago I wasn't willing to even consider them. Now as they keep appearing before us for consideration, we have seen the Lord change our hearts. Should the door be swung open and our family blessed to walk through another adoption, I know it won't be all roses and as my daughter has shared there will be thorns,momma. I appreciate your posts. Thank you for sharing your life.
    Trusting in Him
    Candi

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  3. Praying real hard for you all Shonni! Sending you love and encouragement! Jesus will have the victory, He will get you through this.

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  4. Oh Shonni! I am so terribly sorry this has been so extremely hard. UGH. I have been praying and will continue to do so. When do you fly home? I'd love to be praying with extra fervor during your travel time.

    Love you, friend.

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  5. I have been praying, and will continue to do so.

    In the midst of the ugliness, remember what Gods words says. His perfectly precious promises. And that even children are know by their ways. Be filled with wisdom and insight and use the "tools" the Lord has equipped you with.

    In His clutches,
    Summer

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  6. My beautiful friend...I am praying like crazy!!! Praying the time in China will fly by so you can be home and united with your hubby and kiddos. So you can be home and get rested so that you can be filled to pour everything into these little one's. Praying for God's perfect peace, strength, & wisdom!!!

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  7. Praying without ceasing Shonni. Satan knows your heart for the fatherless and he is wants nothing more than to destroy it. I can't wait for you to be home with supports in place for you. I am here for you as a fellow adoptive mama! For now, I will pray your way home!!! May our good Lord shine His face upon you all the way home!!!

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  8. Oh Shonni ...

    You have been in my prayers, sweet friend. We walked that walk in Ghana 3 1/2 years ago. HARD stuff!

    Praying for you and Kalyn!!! Remembering the complete emotional and physical exhaustion ... remembering the tears cried late at night as the children finally slept ... remembering crying out to the LORD for HIS strength, grace, and mercy.

    Hugs to you both, and praying you into your sweet husband's arms real soon.

    Laurel

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  9. Hang in there Shonni! We will be praying. They will come around. Their hearts need to heal and need to feel secure. It will happen!

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  10. Shonni, extending love, prayer, and empathy to you in these difficult days. Been there, done that, still doing that, but trusting that God is in the midst of our adoption (and yours!), and that all this pain has meaning, not only for this angry, fighting child that we've brought into what used to be our peaceful home, but also for us as we mature (painfully!) through the experience. Thank you for sharing the Scriptures that have helped you. May God continue to comfort you -- may He speak to you with words of peace and hope as you sleep tonight.

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  11. oh shonni- i am so sorry this has been so hard- i will definitely keep you in my prayers-- Lord- just give shonni the strength, wisdom and patience to make it home-- please bless her choice to love them- and please begin to heal the wounds in their hearts.

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  12. Praying praying praying.

    It is a hard journey, and one that is hard even when things go 'well'. Bless your heart, I can barely imagine the magnitude of the rebellion. So since I can only imagine, my heart breaks for all of you.

    I will bring your family to the Throne.Continually.

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  13. Oh, sweet sister, how I'm praying for you. I can't tell you the number of times in the past two years of our most difficult trials He has reminded me that He first loved me, even in my ugliness! When I've been 'mistreated' by my Teen Treasure I am immediately reminded of how I treated my Father for 36 years of my life, rejecting His goodness and His gift of salvation. Hang in there, Sister, and keep looking to HIM! Love you!!!!

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  14. Change is hard no matter what. I can look back and say honestly that I fell in love with each of my children differently and some over a period of time after we laid a foundation of trust and respect.

    I'm sorry this has been a hard journey. Beautiful verses about trusting the Lord in all of this. Thank you for sharing your heart. It's good to know how to pray!

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  15. Oh, dear, sweet Shonni, my heart goes out to you!

    I am praying and will continue to do so.

    Please feel covered in His love, peace, and grace!

    Blessings and (((hugs)))!

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  16. Just continuing to cover you and your family in PRAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  17. Praying dear friend!!!

    As I was reading your post this lyric from a song was on my heart..


    "Love is not a feeling in your chest.
    It’s bending down to wash another’s feet.
    It is faithful when the sun is in the West.
    And in the East" Andrew Peterson

    Lifting you UP!

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  18. Shonni...my heart hurts for you as I read your post. I love how you wrote that God loved us before we loved Him. That is a great perspective on what you are going through. I know this from personal experience as well. I'm learning too that love is a choice. Take one day at a time and praying for an uneventful flight home.

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  19. Oh me. How hard. I am praying for you guys. You are so right to see this as your mission field. And consider the many many trials that most missionaries endure on the field. I pray that you will continue to persevere and keep your eternal perspective and that those precious children will begin to heal and accept your unconditional love. Love you guys.

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  20. Praying for you sweet friend.

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  21. I am so sorry that this has been such a struggle for you. Praying for the Lord to give you wisdom and understanding. Much love to you.

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  22. I'm praying for you right now, my friend

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  23. Oh Shonni, lean upon the Lord for strength. Praying for you, Kaylyn and the children during these trying times.
    Hang in there

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  24. Praying for you Shonni. I wish there was something we could do for you... I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time.
    Blessings,
    Rebecca

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  25. Shonni, I'm so sorry for your struggles and so grateful His mercies are new every morning! Praying for you and the children the Lord has given you.

    Celee

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