I have not figured out a way around the block here in Ch. so I have not been able to post on my blog. However, that is really only half the reason for not personally writing anything. Many of you have probably “figured” out from Steve and Caresse’s little notes that things have been very hard here. I honestly have had no words for what we all are going through. Some where along the way, my understanding and love for these little people has been murked up in the hard emotions and their extreme misbehavior. Believe me when I say that right now, love IS A CHOICE for us. If I did not have faith in the LORD’s good plans for our us, I am not sure how we would have gone on. I still really don’t know what to say to you all except to share the thoughts of my heart ... the anchor that has help me the last few weeks. The Lord reminded me the 1st few days that He loved us first, before we loved Him and that He loved us while we were still in our “ugliness” - our sin and bad attitudes. Boy, do these two have some “ugliness” and bad attitudes that are hard to love “past”. N. has truly done a very good job of trying to push us away and make us “hate” her. C mimics her bad stuff and then adds his own little battles to the field. Kalyn and I have slept very little, and are truly exhausted emotionally.
I have also been remembered the words that He spoke to me earlier this Autumn...to be faithful in the work that He has for us to do. “In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.” Ps. 22:4-5. My parents have certainly been an examples of “the fathers” who trusted the LORD, and now Steve and I have the chance to yet again, show, in action, our trust in God. How many times I have prayed and asked the LORD to teach me His paths, His ways...”Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. Lead me in Your trust and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day long.” Ps. 25-4-5 Is He surely not answering that prayer and teaching me to love as He loves me?
Other comfort has come from these verses “My eyes are ever toward the LORD, for He will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.” Ps. 25”15-18.
And the LORD has reminded me of my “field” right now...”The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. As it is written, ‘He has distributed freely He has given to the poor, His righteousness endures forever.’ He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God. For the ministry of this service is not only supplying the needs of the saints but is also overflowing in many thanksgivings to God.” 2 Cor. 9:6-12
My eyes turn to the LORD right now, often with no words to even speak. We must keep our eyes on Him and on His truth. He has led us to this ministry - to parent these children. My emotions don’t want to...my heart is seeking Him for the strength...it will not be by my might or for my praise, but for His glory and His praise.
Today, we got up and breathed. Last night the oldest threw a fit of epic proportions in the lobby that was out of control. I wont go into to details, but she has been under “house arrest" today. I just can’t trust what she will do in public. Please pray us home sweet friends. And thank you for your amazing support, help, encouragement and prayers through this journey.
THE LORD’S TRUTH SHINES HERE...THE LORD LOVES THE FATHERLESS, and one day THEY will know that!!!