"I am always reluctant to get too personal and share much detail about the things happening in our lives for several reasons. One; I never want it to appear to be whining or looking for pity. Two; I don’t want anyone to think we are asking anyone for anything. Three; prior experiences have resulted in judging, even by well-intentioned people, and I really do not like being judged and to have people say “you brought this upon yourself” or, “You asked for it.” Four; I wrestle with where is the balance between sharing life with the body of Christ and trusting God.
I know many follow the ups and downs of our family on Shonni’s blog. But I know some of you do not and look here for info on how we are doing. So here I share now, as much to work things out in writing for myself (the cathartic process), as well as to share what is happening with those of you who keep us in your prayers, which we covet most of all. For those of you, who might feel inclined to judge us, please stop reading now.
This year has been challenging, to say the least. I think it best to try and categorize this under major headings.
Health issues - We have never had so many, nor so many unusual problems as we have had this year. Shonni got a bad scrape while hiking that turned into a very nasty infection, nearly put her in the hospital, and took weeks of heavy antibiotics to clear up. Kalyn became severely anemic, almost to the point of hospitalization, and it still recovery, taking iron to try and get her levels where they should be and other treatment to try and prevent it from happening again. Caresse was supposed to have two surgeries (one to remove a plate in her knee from a prior surgery and a second to remove one of the abnormal bone growths she that is one her shoulder blade and is pushing through her body to her ribs) only to find on the day of the surgery that she had some unusual infection on her hand that had infected one of her lymph nodes. She had to go to the CDC at Children’s hospital, was put on three heavy duty antibiotics, and is still on two of them as the infection has yet to clear so she can complete the surgeries. Landon of course has been struggling with his allergies to wheat, peanuts and soy. Noelani has been to multiple doctor visits for her cleft pallet (dentists, oral surgeons, orthodontists, plastic surgeons, and speech therapists) Clive has had visual problems; they are trying to correct with glasses, but will probably require surgery. He also is being treated for exposure to TB (does not have it, but was exposed) Garett has been suffering from a sever gag reflex problem that has required several diagnostics tests. The problem caused him to not to be able to eat and he lost weight he did not need to lose. They still do not know what is causing the problem and we are waiting on a referral to a specialist at Children’s Hospital. Aiden went through testing with an occupation therapist regarding some of his developmental issues and of course Keshawn had to recover earlier in the year from breaking both bones in his wrist. The time, energy, and of course money dealing with all of these issues has been significant. It has not been unusual to have one or two problems during a year, but not this many of these types.
Education - Shonni has been homeschooling for over 16 years now, but never this many students, nor this many grades. At the beginning of each year she sets out her plans for what she is going to teach. She purchases the curriculum and away she goes. That is until this year. After the first of the year she started noticing significant problems with some of the kids and how they were progressing (or not) with school. At first she thought some might need classes, but after seeing the doctor found out that was not the problem. Eventually she was able to determine that at least five of the kids had learning disabilities of varying degrees. Some were visual, like dyslexia. Others had auditory problems. Some has other issues and some had combinations of all of the problems. Shonni had to, for the most part, trash everything she had planned and start over with many of the kids, practically running her own special education class room. It has been very difficult; mentally and emotionally for everyone. It has also been financial challenging.
Adoption issues - Of course none of this even begins to touch on the adoption issues of the two newest and even some of the other children. We had never adopted children this old or done two at one time. Noelani and Clive gave Shonni and Kalyn a great deal of resistance and trouble while in China (I could write a whole post just on that experience). We had many Skype session while they were there supporting each other and talking about how to handle the problems they were facing. By the time they reached home nerves were frayed, everyone was emotionally exhausted, and the transition was only beginning.
While Noelani gave Shonni the most problems while in China, once she got to our home, while having some issues and challenges, she has settled into and accepted her life much better than Clive. There was, of course the language issue. We had to use Google translate a lot in the beginning, but less now. Both kids can understand more that they can say at this point. Shonni even began incorporating sign language to help them with the language transition. The language was and is still a stressful part of bringing these two home. More stressful has been the orphanage behaviors. Hording, stealing, manipulation, lying, yelling, and no respect for others, have been some of what we have had to deal with from these two. Noelani has come a long way in her attachment with us, but there are still problems on occasion and probably will be for years. As noted above, with her is also the need to deal with the issues surrounding her cleft pallet and the speech disability it causes right now and all that is needed to correct her condition.
Clive has been a whole other issue. We were aware of possible “learning disabilities” when we adopted him. He in no way acts his age of 8; he behaves more live a child of 5 or less at times. Sometimes it is hard to tell what are developmental issues, orphanage issues, attachment issues or maybe something else. He is very manipulative, teases excessively, demonstrates in appropriate behavior at times and demands a great deal of time and attention. We have testing going regarding his developmental issues, while also dealing with his visual issues. We thought he would be the easier one of the two, but he is by far the more challenging.
As anyone who knows, pretty much every adopted child will have wounds they need to deal with and attachment issues to one degree or another. So it is with ours. While most of the children, adopted as infants, are doing well, some continue to have attachment issues that we have to work with. This includes Kiana, Aiden, Garett, Joeliana, and Corbin. Not surprising, many of these are the same children who are struggling with learning disabilities as well. This is not uncommon for kids who have been orphans to deal with multiple issues like this.
Financial - Of course there are always financial challenges when you do what we do. Not only are there the medical and educational issues noted above that have stretched us, there is also the normal challenges of just feeding, clothing, and providing shelter for this many people. It can be daunting at times. Caring for this many often means others things have to give. We can look around our home and see things that need to be replace or repaired, that we put off for another year (or two or three). Or things we would like to get or do that we just have to say no to. And it is OK as we would much rather put our money into these children than anything else.
Isolation – Out of necessity, to care for the needs of these children, Shonni and I both have had to withdraw from other activities and even people. We can’t be involved in small groups or many church activities or programs, as our ministry is right now, all around us. At times that can make us feel isolated, lonely, even abandoned, with little support except what we get from our family. We often feel misunderstood, misjudged (for good and the bad) and on our own. Many look at and admire us, but we are kept at a distance. No one has us over for dinner and it is not unusual for us to be invited to event, but asked to not bring the children. I am afraid our experience even extends to the local church where we are looked at as some nice oddity, but not as a family involved in a ministry needing support. We often wonder if we would be looked at differently if we were “over there” doing this instead of here in the states. Virtual friends through Shonni’s blog and Facebook become our biggest sources for encouragement and emotional support.
The work we do is exhausting; emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Most nights we are exhausted by the end of the day, just wanting to crash in front of the TV for a few minutes to unwind. Most days it seems all our time is spent cooking, feeding, cleaning the kitchen, dressing, cleaning the house, bathing , schooling, putting everyone to bed, only to get up and do it all again tomorrow.
Having said all of this, I wouldn’t trade a thing. I would not have said no to any one of the children, no matter how hard and stressful it is. God never said it was going to be easy to obey. He never promised there would not be struggles, difficulties, and hardships. If fact He said we would face all of these things, but that He would be with us.
Sure we could have had a much easier life, simpler, less stressful, had or done more things if we hadn’t chosen to walk this path, but no “thing” is greater than the lives of these children. Some call us reckless, irresponsible, or worse. But lives have been saved for the kingdom. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. There are no signs that things are ever going to get better or easier. It is always going to be a struggle, and that is ok.
Its life, and it is good because of Him."
