I struggle a little about how to share this tonight. My newest children, Noelani and Clive, have had their moments of grief and missing their old home in China. And goodness, I completely understand that!!! A few nights ago Noelani began to cry at bed time and she said something about China. This isn’t normal for Noelani anymore. She is so happy and content to have a family and to be living in America. However, she had been reprimanded by daddy for not settling down for bedtime and I knew she was feeling sad about that. So anyway, when she began to say that she missed China, I sat beside her, and just began to give her “permission” to miss her first home. I told her that I imagined that she missed her teachers, nannies, friends; the old familiar foods, smells, sights, and sounds. She cried and I tried to comfort her. Then I asked her if I could pray for her. She wanted me to, so I did. Then a precious thing happened for my little daughter who is still struggling to give or receive hugs....she hugged my after I prayed, and kissed me on the cheek. Then she said “Thank you Mommy. I love you.”
HOWEVER, this grieving process is a whole different thing for Clive. And his grief hurts...
it hurts him for sure;
but it also hurts me! And that is my struggle.
Do I share how I hurt WHILE he hurts?
So much is written about the grief that children go through when they are adopted into a new family. I have spent years studying and training under some of the best about this very topic. And I am completely empathetic about the painful precess that these tender children have to walk through.
But tonight, it became personal for me.
We went camping this weekend, and Clive was “apart” of everything, but not really “involved”. Yesterday he told Noelani that he wanted to go home. She told us and we told him that we were going home tomorrow. He was all excited and that was that. This morning as we were packing up the camp site to come home, he was so happy that we were going home. I thought, O.K., he just needs the security of “home” before he is ready for the greater “out doors”. WRONG
As we drove into our drive way, Clive began to cry and wail. I recognized this sound. It wasn’t fussing or normal crying...it was the wailing, crying sounds of a broken heart, I knew as soon as I heard it coming from Clive’s side of the van what was wrong. This wasn’t the home that he wanted to come home to. He thought he was going “home” to China.
In that moment, my heart was breaking for him. But here’s the part I don’t feel that I’m suppose to share with “the world”... my heart was breaking because I want to be his mother, but he isn’t ready for that. I tried to hold him and comfort him, but he wanted nothing to do with me. He shoved my hand away, and so I put him down...sad, because he was grieving, and hurting because he was rejecting me as his mother. He just isn’t’ ready. And one part of me understands that and will fight to give him the time he needs.
Yet, there is the more vulnerable part of me that cries because he isn’t ready to accept us as his family. We aren’t “his” yet.
And tonight, his grief hurts me too.