Tuesday, February 7, 2012

She Started Our Day....

...crying.  I’m ending it in the same way. 
My newest daughter, Noelani, was awake and crying at 5:30 this morning.  I’ve become familiar with “that” cry.  She’s sad and misses her 1st home - China.  Sometimes she let’s me hold her, sometimes not.  This was a “not” moment.  My heart hurt for her as I listened to her grief.  Yet, grief is part of our journey also.  
Sometimes grief is very ugly though.  After her tears dried up, she went into major “Operation Control”.  I understand this also; she has lost so much, and it is quite “normal” for an older adopted child to deal with his/her fear by controlling what they feel they can and fighting like heck the things that they can’t control.  
So the clock has ticked along today.  The battles only took time to “regroup”, and the other children began to react to the stress.  Or may be they just thought today was a good day to be naughty.  At one point I had six children in “time-in” beside me while I tried to fix supper.  Now, don’t think that they were sitting quietly, like angels.  There was a symphony of sound - not the relaxing kind!!!!
Steve walked in from work, and I broke.  The only words I have to explain it is that I feel raw.  Like skin that has had a cheese grater working on it all day....just plain ol’ painful and raw.  
So, I cry.  And I think back to this morning when her sobs woke me up.  She was grieving, and feeling a little afraid of this unknown journey.  She’s never done “this” adoption/family thing before and it is scary.  Everything that she is familiar with is gone.  Everyone she knows is far away.  All of the sights, smells and sounds are different.  Her feeling become tired and raw.  
And mine are too.  I feel guilty for not being stronger for us all; handling things better.  Then I think, this is part of our dance; part of our story.  And though she and I have come from very different places, we are together now.  This is our story.  
Today, she started our day crying; tonight, I’m ending it crying.  She asks me, much as I did this morning, “Are you O.K.?”  I answer her with a single word, “Yes”.  And we walk our journey together.   


  1. Oh sorry.

    I might be ending my day crying, too.

    Been dealing with operation control a.l.l. day! It was very painfully intense - and we were in town. You can only imagine the scene in the grocery store as mr mad had to count out loud, tapping his shoulders as he walked along beside me. He brain was stuck and I was doing everything I knew to get it unstuck....

  2. The grieving that our children from hard places go through is the most difficult, yet, healing aspects of this adoption journey.

    My little man (age 7) has been here 2.5 years and, yet, every time I do his hair (tighten his locs) the tears fall. He is so afraid of it hurting and its the pain in his past he's crying about. I just hold him and let the healing rain fall. Oh, my heart just breaks for their pasts and the pain we couldn't stop.

    Please know I am praying for her healing. It will come but even in the future something will trigger a memory and the tears will still fall. But you know that already! Many prayers and blessings upon your family this evening!

  3. Oh, Shonni! I so know this kind of day but without the language barrier. I am praying for you know. I have beaten myself up wishing many days that I was stronger knowing that my other kids were watching my reactions. Thankfully, His mercies are new every morning. Try to get a good night's sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

    BTW, I received the book you sent and I look forward to reading it very soon. Thank you!

  4. Beautifully raw my friend. May God give you strength that only He can provide to persevere until the new normal becomes regular life. That day will come!!!

  5. Such a hard path for all to walk. Praying for you all walking this journey of healing together. Now others understand and are praying with you.

  6. Beautiful and raw and I understand it all too well. Their confusion and grief can be unbearable to watch and I can't imagine being the small child going through it. But as you stated, powering through grief is part of the process and it is god that she is emotionally capable of doing that. My heart is heavy and tears in my eyes. I will pray for her grieving heart today.

  7. Oh, I have so been there! You are strong and that's why you cry. You've been through this before and you know how it will turn around and she will gradually melt and grow and change. That's why you do what you do. You know that, but it doesn't make it easy. Sending you a hug, a prayer, and a sniffle to share with you. So glad she has you to cry to.

  8. so sorry Shonni, it's so painful to walk this journey and to see this little girl you love so much experience such pain. Praying for God's healing hand to cover your family.


  9. I found your blog because the title of mine is "Around the Table". I am the mother of "only" 4, one adopted, all nearly grown. I think that on those days when I was feeling raw, if I had had someone to share it with, friends to empathize with me and comfort me, it could have been better. We searched high and low, near and far, until we found someone, on another continent, who helped us walk through our difficult days--who is helping us as one of our children chooses to walk away from the Lord for this season of her life.

  10. GOd is using you mightily Beautiful Friend. I know this has not been easy but you are loving a tough "orphan" into "daughtership" (is that a word?) much like Our Savior does for us. May He fill you with all that you need daily. Love you much!

  11. We are there too, you articulate it so well! I just want to copy all your posts and put them on my blog;). We have a routine of cleaning up the school room before leaving. Today, I had everyone drop everything where they were, and go upstairs for a nap. It is so hard when all the other kids join in the chaos.....we call it "being peced to death by chickens".
    I know you are doing a wonderful job, keep it up.
    OH---we have one who wants to hug total strangers. At church they aren't strangers, but still not appropriate---what would you do. I try holding their hands at all times, but with 2 newbies, and 2 blind, I don't have enough hands.

  12. I came to your blog from Shauna's blog - and I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. How awesome to let God grow you and shape you as you love others and pour His love into them.

  13. So sorry for the pain ... for your precious daughter and for you.

    So thankful for your honesty and transparency. Adopting older children can be unimaginably HARD, but the LORD is with us to give us new strength each and every day.

    Hugs & Prayers,

    :) :) :)

  14. I love your honesty...so many would never share.

  15. Praying for your family! Keep your eyes on Jesus! Say His name! Raise your hands to Him...All parts all focus on Him...I know you already know this for yourself, but I have to remind myself often...all focus...all parts, are surrendered to Him.


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