...crying. I’m ending it in the same way.
My newest daughter, Noelani, was awake and crying at 5:30 this morning. I’ve become familiar with “that” cry. She’s sad and misses her 1st home - China. Sometimes she let’s me hold her, sometimes not. This was a “not” moment. My heart hurt for her as I listened to her grief. Yet, grief is part of our journey also.
Sometimes grief is very ugly though. After her tears dried up, she went into major “Operation Control”. I understand this also; she has lost so much, and it is quite “normal” for an older adopted child to deal with his/her fear by controlling what they feel they can and fighting like heck the things that they can’t control.
So the clock has ticked along today. The battles only took time to “regroup”, and the other children began to react to the stress. Or may be they just thought today was a good day to be naughty. At one point I had six children in “time-in” beside me while I tried to fix supper. Now, don’t think that they were sitting quietly, like angels. There was a symphony of sound - not the relaxing kind!!!!
Steve walked in from work, and I broke. The only words I have to explain it is that I feel raw. Like skin that has had a cheese grater working on it all day....just plain ol’ painful and raw.
So, I cry. And I think back to this morning when her sobs woke me up. She was grieving, and feeling a little afraid of this unknown journey. She’s never done “this” adoption/family thing before and it is scary. Everything that she is familiar with is gone. Everyone she knows is far away. All of the sights, smells and sounds are different. Her feeling become tired and raw.
And mine are too. I feel guilty for not being stronger for us all; handling things better. Then I think, this is part of our dance; part of our story. And though she and I have come from very different places, we are together now. This is our story.
Today, she started our day crying; tonight, I’m ending it crying. She asks me, much as I did this morning, “Are you O.K.?” I answer her with a single word, “Yes”. And we walk our journey together.