My Sweet Family and Friends, I have a friend who has written to me and given me permission to share her letter anonymously with you all. This dear friend is really hurting and struggling and we have the opportunity in the blog community to encourage, support and "just be with" her as she mothers and helps her new daughter. Here is her note to me.
Did you attach immediately to all of your kids?? If not, how long did it take?
We have three biological kids, and just brought home a little girl who will, supposedly, be two on Sunday. We think she’s older, which puts her in very close proximity to our three year old daughter. She has adjusted very well, is cute, charming, has a beautiful smile, loves us, fits in fairly well with our family, and has no apparent trauma or attachment issues. On paper, it has been perfect. She has no sleep issues, is overcoming her food issues, and is learning how things run around here and seems to accept it all in stride. She is a horrible two year old with the temper tantrums and possessiveness and defiance, but even that we know will be okay with time.
But I feel nothing for her. Well, nothing but dislike. I feel like she has come in and taken over our home. She is LOUD, aggressive, bossy, and stubborn, and most of the time I feel like I’m trying to protect my three year old from her. I still don’t think of her as mine, I have to force myself to love on her at all, and I find myself doing nothing but training and correcting her all day long. I am asking God daily for that motherly love to kick in, but as of yet, it’s just not there. No where close. I dread her waking up from her nap. I dread every meal. I dread her wanting to be held. I know she’s just a toddler (again, I think she’s much closer to three than to two) but it is so difficult to face the day knowing she’s here. I thought it would be better by now (we’ve had her home for four months) but I will have days where I’m neutral (those are considered good days!) but then I’ll have another day like today where I just am overcome with sadness that she is here.
I KNOW that God can redeem this. We know that He asked us to do this and therefore, I know that He will equip us. I can love her by doing all the right stuff, but I dread the future if I never have those feelings like I do for my biological kids. I don’t want her growing up in a home where she feels separate, and unloved! It’s so not fair to her.
So, I’m just wondering if you have felt like this about any of your kids?? My new motto is “fake it til you make it” but that is so tiring. I don’t want to fake it. I want it to be real, and whole, and beautiful. I don’t want either of us to be robbed of what could be.
Thanks for any insight you have for me. I just need to know that I’m not the only one out here that dislikes my child so much. Surely someone else has experienced this!!
I feel so much for her. I did have a few that took me some time to "feel the love" for and it can be emotionally exhausting.
If you would like to respond to this mother you can either leave a comment below, or
email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will forward it to her.
Let's get around this mother and encourage her.
Romans 1:12 "...that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith..."