Thursday, October 21, 2010
Hurtin’ Darlin’ and Raw-ness
In other random news,
Steve finally went back to work today, but still feels horrible;
school has been hard with so many sick ones;
I am so unorganized right now!
And now, to interrupt random blog news with raw-ness...
I know...mothers of large families are suppose to have it all together! I’ve been telling myself for weeks “Come on Shonni, Pull Yourself Together!!!!!”. I couldn’t even tell you how many nights I wake up and think that I’ll “do better” with everything tomorrow and then tomorrow comes and things don’t go the way I was hoping! In one corner of the ring I fight with myself about the realities...sick family, interrupted sleep, LOTS of dentist and dr. appointments, etc. and in the other corner - I should be getting up earlier, planning the meals, spending better quality time with the children, doing school “better”, loving Steve better...
I’m sure my greatest enemy is myself...
A glimpse into my mind tonight....not to pretty huh? I struggle almost every day right now to post anything on my blog because if I were honest I would have to say AGAIN...”Struggling” and I figure at some point I am going to loose family and friends with that.
It’s not that anything BIG or HORRIBLE is happening...just little battles of self expectations and little voices that I hear telling me who and what I should be. And I feel wore out, unmotivated and how do you blog about that to people you love and hope and pray love you?
I have spent many days praying that I would hear the LORD’s voice and I do find comfort in HIM. Still, there is a battle and so, I share here...
and realize that what I am really showing is my vulnerability to my own idols - to do things in a way that I feel good about.
“O Lord, how I love Your Word. It is precious beyond all earthly treasures Father. Incline my heart to Your Word and break my bondage to other things. Forbid that I would be false to Your faithfulness and fill me with Your Spirit that I may serve You and You alone and find joy in that service each day. For Your Glory and to live in Your love, I pray! Amen”