Thursday, September 22, 2011

Solving The Puzzle Of Difficult Behavior

“The difficult history of these children (home through adoption) means that you, as a caretaker (mother or daddy), have to work harder to understand and address their unique deficits and make a conscious effort to help them learn the skills they need at home with a caring family.”  The Connected Child

I was thinking, had of my biological child, Caresse, been adopted, no one would have known that our family has a history of bone growths that have caused problems for at least 4 generations, and effected dozens of our family members to varying degrees.  Here is Caresse, and not only does she have them, but she has had them far worse than any of our family members that I’m aware of.  It was helpful for me as her mother, to know about this medical history all along and to be on the look out for it. 
As we bring home our children through adoption, there is so much that we can’t know...what was the birth mother’s diet like (YES, it does effect the overall health of the child), are there any past medical issues that would help us if we knew, what about birth trauma, how about the pain and fear of hunger, being alone, possible neglect, harder to imagine - abuse....
Each one of my children need me to mother them - period.  What I must continue to pray and seek wisdom for the LORD on is WHAT do they need from me at this time in their lives.  Caresse certainly needs a special understanding and empathy as we go to the doctor to find out the results of the CAT scan and the MRI tomorrow.  She is so tender right now.  Kalyn - 18, beautiful and looking for the LORD’s will for her future decisions.  Jace, married but still loves to call and share his life with us.  However, with my biological children, I was always there.  From the time I knew I was pregnant till know, I have had an active part is their lives, their health, - their days.  
But, for my children home through adoption, there are things that I don’t know.  The LORD does though!!!  
And I must respect that there are needs that will be different than the needs of my first three children.  

“If you remain mindful of a child’s unique history and how early growth was disrupted, you can even admire the strength that allowed this little child to survive adversity and have compassion for the ongoing struggles he faces.”  The Connected Child

I almost get tears as I think of my precious Noelani and many years they have been alone, had no one, belonged to no one.  I can never know what that feels like, because I have always BELONGED.  I have always been loved and cared for.  But now, my precious ones BELONG...they have each other, and soon they will have their family.  How amazing to one day have no one, and then the LORD does something beautiful and they have a family.  
So my thoughts are busy looking into what we can do to help Aiden with the SPD, and preparing to bring home our two (praying before Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!)  
And today, I want to re-remind myself to have compassion for the struggles that all of my children face and to walk beside them  - what ever their pasts might have held.  


  1. Oh Shonni, this post so beautifully expresses what we, as adoptive parents, must consider when we look at our children's behavior...precious little ones who have suffered so much.

    It is obvious to me that you have much love to give because you were given thankful to God for this and for your willingness to give love. Your children are blessed (and I know that you are blessed by them too!).

  2. so well written and felt! Praying for Caresse and your treasures yet to be home.

  3. My heart hurts every time I put an "Unknown" on any kind of form for my kids. Allergies? Unknown. Disorders? Unknown. Medicines? Unknown. I love what you said about seeking wisdom for what they need RIGHT now.

  4. A beautiful post! So true.

    The Connected Child is next on my reading list.


  5. I "know" this, but thank you for reminding me to be compassionate towards each of my children and their behavior/needs. I am surprised at how many times I catch myself focusing on the behavior/actions, when I really need to be focusing on their hearts and understanding the "why"-only by learning this can I really help their hearts heal.


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