Sunday, August 12, 2012

My Thoughts On Her

We saw a picture of a precious little girl in China who had a heart breaking story.  She had grown up in an orphanage for 11 years with a special need that made talking difficult for her - cleft lip/cleft palette.  She had seen other friends leave to finally go “home” to a family.  Her turn came, but then things happened and she went back to the orphanage instead home to a family.  I was so sad for this little girl and what she had gone through in her short life.  We advocated for her and prayed for her to find her family.  In a surprising twist to her story, God had chosen her family and soon I was on my way to China to bring home our new son AND her.  God gave us the name Noelani for for our new daughter.  We now call her Noelani Rose, because she wanted a middle name like everyone else in the family.  
How is she doing now, after 8 months with her new family?  My thoughts flow from “great” to “hard” all at the same time.  I read a blog written by a young lady who lives and works with orphans in China.  She wrote about how the little motherless and fatherless children that she serves and cares for have learned very well “how” to be orphans.  They have learned how to steal, lie, get attention, hide their fears, avoid trouble or fight if needed.  They have learned to rely on themselves, and expect nothing.  Decisions are made for them, and so in an effort to gain “felt safety” they learn to control what they can.  Bad behavior covers up fears and weaknesses.  And even though, in many instances, wonderful people who work in the orphanages have daily sought to care for these little ones, some where in the back of the child’s mind, that boy or girl still knows that ultimately they are alone and belong to no one. 

I have seen many of these things in Noelani (and Clive in different ways).  She IS good at being a orphan.  Ofter all, it is all she has ever known.  Only now, she is suppose to be a part of a family.  I have given them time to adjust and learn, and they have - some.  And yet I also see the struggle she probably doesn’t even notice ... the one in her heart.  She NEEDS to be loved and belong but pulls away.  She NEEDS to laugh and play like a little child, but falls back into her old patterns of being a “little adult” like she was in the orphanage.  She NEEDS to trust, but puts up walls.  She NEEDS to belong, but isn’t sure what that looks like.  She NEEDS to talk, but she’s trying to learn a new language and she gets tired and goes off alone to avoid the work of it all. 
She really does struggle to say words.  She is learning English very well, but she has “sloppy” habits of speech (probably picked up very early in life as she learned to work with her cleft lip/cleft palette).  She is hard to understand and it takes work for both parties.  
As I watch my little Noelani struggle to learn the many things that she is trying to learn, I hurt for her.  I can’t even imagine ... yet, I know that this is her story and God’s adventure for her.  Her story is how she is becoming a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, and a niece; an American and ultimately God’s little lamb who is not longer lost and alone.  
This last week she used her learned behavior of deception, lying and aloneness to ring up a nasty little phone bill of texts.  Texts sent to anyone she could find in my phone.  It has been going on for quite some time.  I had been giving her “freedom” to play alone in the school room at certain times of the day, with me just in the next room.  She also got up early knowing that Steve was in the basement exercising, and she must have snuck in some late nights as well.  We have also caught her at other times sneaking on the computer or the iPad.  A few months ago she and Clive were in trouble.  She (the older one - that’s how they operate in an orphanage), had Clive, the younger one, steal candy from the pantry.  We found scraps of trash buried in the sand and thrown in the window well.  She laid all the blame on Clive, who was to afraid to tell us that he had an accomplice.  Because the little ones learn to be afraid of the older one in the orphanage.  Truth finally came out.
However, this latest one really got us to thinking that we needed to  “shrink” her world if we were really going to help her learn to be in a family.  
So instead of giving her privileges that she is not ready for, we are working more to keep her close, teach her to ask, to listen, to play WITH us and her brothers and sisters; to BE with us.  Not as punishment, but much like I would with a newborn.  I would never leave a newborn alone, or not watch my one year old.  I would also be within eye sight of my two year old ready to correct and train.  
I guess that I thought she would mostly “learn” to be in a family by being around us, which is what Clive seems to be doing to a larger degree.  But it seems that we are going to have to “force” her to work at it a little bit more.  I understand really.  It’s easier to go off by herself and not try, but it’s not good.  My heart breaks when she “goes” off by herself.  Dandy noticed it when we were on vacation at the lake.  And it broke his heart.  She would try to talk to him, but he just couldn’t understand her, so she would finally just go stand outside alone.  We would bring her in with us, but she had already chosen to withdraw.  It was easier that way. Poor baby.  I pray that the LORD shows us how to parent her right now.  She really is an amazing little person - sweet, helpful, joyful, happy, silly, tender and loving.  
These river pictures taken last month when we went camping tell a story ... are you seeing it?  Go back up four pictures.  See her sitting in the background by herself.  She kept saying that she would hold the dogs, and I would ask her to come play in the river with us.  She kept refusing.  I finally convinced her to at least put her feet in.  I wanted her to experience being a child, a free and protected child.  She did, reluctantly.  And then her brothers began to play with her and show her how to “sit” in the river.  
Do you see it?  Pure childhood joy and laughter.  
Learning to be with a family, to laugh, to play, to trust and to speak, knowing that we care about what she has to say.  And even if it is hard for us to understand her, and it is hard for her to say the words, she does have a voice, and she has a story to tell.
I read the below verse this morning, and I think how I didn’t know “how” to be in Gods family at first, but Christ welcomed me anyway.  And we now will continue to welcome this little daughter into our family, and pray ...
pray for her to find her way,
and thank the LORD that He showed us the way, and will now show her.  
FOR HIS GLORY.

“Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” Romans. 15:7

“God of endurance and encouragement, I pray that you would grant us as a family to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together we may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ”  Romans 15”5-6

16 comments:

  1. That was just beautiful Shonni. Thank you for that glimpse into your world. You have given me a sneak peek at what's coming in my own life and I am SO incredibly blessed. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

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  2. Praying for God's healing for your precious daughter... that by His love the walls will come down. Thank you for your willingness to share the hard stuff. I am certain Jesus uses it to minister to other families who are going through the same things with their children. Helping them to know that they are not alone and the Lord does bring healing.
    God's blessings,
    Daleea

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  3. Thank you for sharing.

    I understand. We are there too, watching, waiting, trusting.

    Blessings,
    Summer

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  4. so beautifully written!! soooo hard, and so much healing needed! Thankful God is committed to us and to healing our little treasures!!! Love y'all!

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  5. Prayin' for your sweet girl.... Have you read or heard of the book, "Raising Godly Tomatoes"? She talks about staking your tomato (kiddo) close to you so they can learn appropriate behaviors. It has really helped with our adopted little guy who was sneaking, lying, etc... Blessings, Denise

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  6. Such a hard, hard thing...moving past being an orphan. Prayers that the day comes when she leaves those behaviors behind and embraces so much more that is better.

    It's very hard for me to continue to experience so many of what you write about someone 8 mos. home when my daughter has been home just short of 4 yrs. She acts very much like an orphan still each day. We are getting more "ok" days then bad in recent weeks; but even on the "ok" days there is so much that needs to be overcome before she can lead a life where she could have healthy relationships with anyone. Her perception of things are so "off" and what is real and not is so blurred for her. It was hard to know when all this first really started....around 3/4- 1 yr home- whether to let time heal or press harder for change. In hindsight, I wished we would have pressed harder for change earlier but "people" kept saying we needed to give her more time. But, at that time we didn't know how much worse she would get. Shrinking your daughter's world at this time...it seems so wise. I think you are so doing the right thing.

    Blessings, Jennifer

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    1. Right there with you, Jennifer. Our daughters have been home 4 1/2 years, and things have gotten worse and worse with our 10 year old daughter. We did shrink her world. We did much of what Shonni is sharing. Every child is so very different. I don't really spend much time thinking about what we could have or should have done . . . I focus on praying for wisdom from the Lord as to what we need to do now, to continue to try to bring healing to a very hurting child.

      Keep seeking the Lord for His plan for your daughter. He knows her needs.

      Laurel

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  7. REALLY great post, Shonni. I can totally relate!

    Thanks so much for sharing.

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  8. Beautiful! As beautiful as her name! Adoption, especially of older children is not easy. But if Christ can adopt us and teach us what real love is. We can also adopt and teach love to the littlest ones of His kingdom. Keep up the good work. You WILL see changes.

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  9. Shonni...I totally love this post. It can be so hard to see past the behavior and into the child's heart. Thank you for sharing what you are learning.

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  10. Your posts on Noelani real touch me so much. Your family is so beautiful :)

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  11. Yes, you have it so right! We reached this conclusion (that we must take our 14-year-old back to infancy-like protection, service, instruction, etc.), too late in the game. We had tried too hard to let her be a 14-year-old, but what she really needed was to be more like a 14-MONTH-old, someone whom we coddled even when she didn't want it. Our nine-year-old is adjusting very well, but she comes from a foster family. Our 14-year-old came from the orphanage's general population and just had no idea how to survive in a family (let alone in a different culture and language), and we didn't understand enough how to help her, but very slowly, very late, it occurred to me that I needed to think of her as a tall infant :-) who was learning everything from scratch. I still only understand this mentally, not emotionally, and I don't think that even yet I could do things any differently, God forgive me. But her new mom totally "gets it" (praise God!), and she is thriving, and I am so grateful. How good and wonderful that you are "getting it" before it is too late. I keep you on my prayer list and pray that God continues to strengthen you with wisdom and endurance and love.

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    1. We brought 3 siblings home from Ghana at ages 6, 9, 12. Our 3 youngest bio. were 6, 8, 11. It was very hard for our adopted children to understand, but they did not automatically get the privileges (or the responsibilities) of their same-age siblings. Over and over we had to explain that our bio. children had been trained for 6, 8, 11 years, and it would take much time to make up for all of the missed years. In so many ways, our adopted children were like toddlers . . . with no sense of right or wrong, no sense of safe or dangerous, no sense of logical consequences (our youngest daughter got 3 concussions in 3 years). It was very hard, but we brought them close and taught them and trained them up in every area of their lives (social, emotional, spiritual, educational). Many people thought we were over-protective, but when the older brother was in the care of another adult they let him go on a bike ride by himself and he actually got run over by a truck (an angel clearly protected him, as he was okay). Though he was 13 by that time, he had absolutely no sense of what a 13 year old should know. So hard. So scary sometimes. (My 13 year old daughter still have a huge lack of safety issues.)

      You say your daughter has a "new mom". So does our son. (It was the new mom that gave him complete freedom immediately.) So hard. So sad.

      Laurel
      mama of 12

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  12. Really really really great post. I see so much of this in our children too. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes I am able to steer them in the right direction. sometime I don't really know what to do? I constantly am praying- I could NOT do it without HIM.

    Thank you for sharing and for your insight. Thank you for always bringing it back to where it should be- to the MASTER!

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  13. Well written! You are very wise in taking those necessary steps. I will continue to pray for you and your family...praying that the adjustment/bonding will happen quickly.

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  14. Great post, Shonni. Thanks for sharing.

    Pull her in. Keep her close. You two are AWESOME parents, and God will continue to give you wisdom.

    Blessings,

    Laurel :)

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